Clear the Cheetos crumbs and empty weed bags off your broken coffee table! Make room for the inaugural edition of Sad Bastard, the magazine for people who decided to stop trying. In this issue, a bunch of girls answer the question, “Why Won’t You Go Out With Me?” Then learn how to make a “3 Pizza Roll Salad” out of the leftover pizza rolls in the back of your mini-fridge. Comes with a free nothing.

About the Authors: Lee Keeler produces The Hour of Power Hour at the Improv Hollywood and is founder of the Green Gravel Comedy Fest in central Iowa. Phil Keeling is a writer and stand-up comedian based in Atlanta, Georgia.