Rejoice, cinephiles in the greater Maidensville, Washington area! The UmlaŸt Cinema’s fall calendar has arrived and it is glorious. The foldout calendar highlights screenings of masterpieces like The Commonwealth (1946), Art Boobs (2001), and Art Boobs II: Art Butts (2006), but don’t skip the editorial by cinema owner Arthur Flurg about the importance of teenagers giving handjobs in theatres. Packed with movie trivia, unlicensed screenshots, and pleas for your money.

About the Authors: Jenny Jaffe is a writer/comedian for Disney, CollegeHumor, and the creator of IFC’s Neurotica. Gabriel Laks is a contributor to Clickhole, whose work has been featured in The New Yorker and on Channel 101.